Сүүлийн нэг шалгалтаас болоод 4 жилийн өмнөх тэр нэг мэдрэмжийн гашуун амтыг эргэн нэг санагалзлаа...
...That nightmare trap in the darkest corner of my mind. The nightmare that has changed my life. The nightmare that I desperately want to run away from but still haunts me...
...B ч биш, Z планы тухай жинхэнээсээ бодож үзлээ. Өдийг хүртэл зорьж ирсэн зүйлээс тэс өөр, хэзээ ч төсөөлж байгаагүй өөр амьдралын талаар...
Хэрэв улирчихвал...
Хэтэрхий залхуу болчихоод байсан тархийг маань цочоож өгсөн сайн дэлсэлт байлаа. Хэнэггүй зангаа заавал засах хэрэгтэйг ойлгуулж өгсөн сургамж ч боллоо...Гэхдээ байгаа зүйлдээ сэтгэл хангалуун амьдрахыг сургасангүй...
...Өдийг хүртэл бүх зүйл блог дээр бичсэн шиг гоё сайхан байгаагүй ээ. Би худлаа зүйл бичиж байгаагүй, гэхдээ дандаа шударга ч байгаагүй. Зүгээр бараан зүйлсийг алгасан аль болох л юмыг сайн талаас нь харахыг оролдсон оролдлого маань л энэ байсан юм...
...Everything started with one big challenge. Competing with very bright minds from different parts of the globe seemed like to be a great challenge for a young man, fearless and confident. He believed in his chances and did his best--to be the best. His competitive nature & satisfaction from overcoming himself were his motivation to get up at 5 a.m and work hard up to 18 hours a day. Almost every single day. He continued putting his effort believing that all the hard work would pay off.
But it did not.
He had forgotten one thing and made a mistake on execution because of inexperience in similar situations, when the boldest ambitions of the best age of youth are on stake. The result wasn't a failure; it was a disaster.
It wasn't just a supposed-to-win ball game that kills your appetite for a day or two, if not succeeded. Way much greater.
He wasn't just upset; he was devastated.
Everything--hopes and dreams-- seemed to be getting away from him...
That's how a story of a young man who couldn't live up to his ambitions and ego started.
That's how this blog started.
The previous bright guy who always tried to improve and get better in all aspects totally changed. He turned into a terrible person for whom time is a meaningless waiting. He was cold and closed. He had no personality. He wasn't nice to other people. He neither wanted nor tried to be curious and make the best use of the consequent situation, though it wasn't the worst one can fall into. But it did not matter. He was crippled by the pain and could not act at full speed, which tortured him even more.
He just waited for another turn...
But he was lucky.
Lucky enough to meet and be surrounded by many good people wherever he went--family, friends, roommate, professors and advisors, host family...He went to many new places, met many new people and discovered many new things. He did good things and bad things (as a consequence, but never with an initially bad intention), understood many things. Succeeded & failed. Learned to handle success and failure.
Eventually, the previous ego who believed he could do everything on his own and trusted only himself changed.
And then there was it--The long waited turn.
He still remembered that taste, though time had made it less strong. But this time he had a brake--prints of the previous nightmare that did not allow him to run at full speed. Pain was his brake, and motivation.& He kept fighting-- to get ready.
Yet, he failed again.
He knew he was close...He regretted...
What if...? What if...? What if...?
Though Plan A was a failure, succeeded plan B wasn't unattractive. But it did not matter.
It wasn't gold medal. Nobody competes for a silver. Silver means just you are the best loser. The difference is very big...
Now, Here I am--still an ugly ego with no sense of satisfaction facing uncertainty of life and not very sure about it. The only thing I know is I will grow through this pain from the setback and overcome it. I will use all the regrets as a motivation to put my effort to get better in every aspect that identifies me: competitor, ball player,man, student, learner, teacher, son, brother,friend, senpai, kohai...I will become the best man I can be.
This time, I won't screw it up and will make the best use of the circumstance I'm getting into and will prepare myself--for the next turn.
There will be another turn.
I'm still young and fearless.
